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September 2017
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We were stood in the queue at b&q when jewels started smelling some candles they had for sale,

jewels said mmmm I love vanilla smell, then I started laughing, she had only picked the coconut flavour up , I think people in the shop got worried.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poor Lexi having to be dressed by her mum, Lexi will need to dress herself by the time shes 2 lol

Jewels has just backed the car up off the drive and looked at me in confusion then looked at the radio then the radio blasted out then she looked at me again in confusion, then the window opened….

She had only turned the radio up thinking it opened the window, then shouted

“God, how confused was i there”

How can i reply to that lol

Jewels isnt very good with electrical objects , like the electric knife she put the blades in lol

Jewels got this from the medicine cupboard and asked

“Can i borrow this torch please”

after i stopped laughing i told her its a foot odour spray lol

This is Jewels’ come DIE with me night – the compilation, have a look and have a laugh

Come DIE with me – Jewels style

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED – THIS CONTAINS VERY BAD COOKING BUT NO ONE DIED AFTER EATING

has asked jewels to follow me to garage to pick me up

I’m sat here waiting cus I thought I’d lost her then get a call from her ….

Shes only followed the wrong bloody car and gone the wrong way lol

Quote of the year by jewels dad, eddie , while I was taking his picture he said

“aaaayyy cheeky, I can see you taking our picture upside down ” lol eddie mate how can you take a picture upside down lol …… Classic

Another jewels comment that will go down in history ……

“so where are irish from ??”

Boys have just asked jewels for some hot chocolate, then adam comes in and says

“this hot chocolate is horrible it tastes like water”

jewels says to me how many spoons do I put in?

I said about 3 to 4 , she then looks worried and said shes only put 1 level teaspoon in

Jewels has just said to Lexi (whos 19 months old)

” Eat properly your acting like a 2 year old” lol

This is how the conversation with Jewels went when i first met her

Me ” Do you know what food English eat mostly?”

Jewels “fish and chips”

Me “Do you know what food Italians mostly eat?”

Jewels “Pasta”

Me ” Do you know what food americans mostly eat?”

Jewels “McDonalds”

Ive just asked Jewels who Einstein is?

Her reply

“Is he the man who shot the apple of someones head?”

I dont know where her mind wanders sometimes

i said to Ian do you know what monogamy is?
to which he replied isn’t it a color?
………….yep true story =/

Me : ” JEWELS THE DISHWASHERS LEAKING”

Jewels: “OMG why is that”

Me: “I dont know but its full of soap suds, its like a foam bath, have you put anything in it ???”

Jewels: “No , just dishwasher powder”

Me: “Well its bloody everywhere , i cant work it out , why is it so foamy??”

Jewels (very sheepish) “Errr i did put some FAIRY LIQUID in it to give the grill a bit of a better clean”

Me: “AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Jewels question to me was

“Babe is this a cheese cutter?”

i replied

“…………………………………”

end of conversation

Jewels saw this and said

“hey look this tuna is dolphin friendly cus it has a picture of a dolphin on the tin”

She didn’t realise its a picture of a TUNA fish on a tin of tuna lol

jewels has decided to make me fajitas , so im sat here waiting and i hear a `oh shit` then she comes in with the spices and says she has put the salsa sauce in the veg and chicken instead of the spices lol

jewels decides to cook curly Kayle cabbage in the microwave with NO WATER lol looks like bloody dry cannabis lol then she laughs and says ” looks like were having beans ” lol

jewels gets frustrated at her sat nav cus she gets confused lol

she expects arms and legs to come out of it and drive for her , it’s says ” in 300 yards turn left ”

jewels says ” what here ?? There’s no left ”

Then when we get here she thinks it’s allocates her a parking space lol

“look at those raft iron gates for sale”

when she really meant to say ‘wrought iron gates’ lol

Is LMAO at jewels , she rings stocksbridge leisure Center at 1430 to book a court for tonight and realises it closes at 1400 so no answer, so I said don’t worry we will go tomorrow , she then rings them back to book it for tomorrow lol then realises it’s still closed lol lol

has just heard the best saying yesterday from Jewels

i said to her ” are you having a drink tonight ?”

to which she replied ” huh is the pope jewish??”

lol JEWISH can you believe it lol , if theres 2 ways to do it then Jewels will get it wrong lol

Conversation of the week
Jewels – babe my phones dead again , it keeps loosing power
Me – are you sure you charged it ?
jewels – ye I’m not daft…..how do you turn it off?
Me – press and hold the red button
Jewels – oh …………………… I Think I’ve been turning it off By accident

Another noticable quote from jewels:-

“Hey babe you can tell the weathers going to be nice today cus it’s windy and raining ”

Lol ye jewels you can see from a mile off

well jewels has just done it again , she was opening a new bank account on the phone and the woman asked if she wanted a paying in book

jewels replied ‘whats that for?’

after the operator stopped laughing, jewels said to me’ babe thats not very professional is it, laughing at me’ ,lol

The funniest moment ever…. jewels goddard stayed up till half ten, fighting the tiredness to bid on something on ebay, …20 seconds to go, bid entered,10 seconds to go, she waits till last second then ………she hits CANCEL lol

there was uproar and a lot of cursing lol oh and a lot of under my breath laughing from me lol

Jewels has just done the most funniest thing, she told me if I don’t get her a bag of crisps by the time she counts to ten shes not talking to me, she then starts counting………..With her fingers lol

funny thing is that when she reached number ten, she was only on finger number eight lol

I said to Jewels

“Vampires dont exist”

Jewels says

“Yes they do cus they go on Vampire websites”

……………No Comment lol

Another intellectual conversation with jewels , she doesn’t believe in the big bang she said

“adam and eve created the universe along with a snake that stole the apple , the snake bit the apple which is why men have a rib more than women”

???????? …. Guys don’t even ask cus I ain’t got a clue what it all means